Things I miss....

When your life is thrown into chaos, there are many things that change. There are a few things I miss and will never take for granted again. Just litttle things - such as I miss having hair. I put all my hair products and appliances in a box and realised just how much stuff I had for my hair. Not that I am particularly high maintenance, but I still managed to have a lot of hair stuff. Going from having long hair to no hair in the space of a few weeks was quite a change. I miss having eyebrows and eyelashes. It is hard to give someone the evil one eyebrow raise when you have none. At the moment, I look like a pasty Whoopi Goldberg. I was wearing mascara in the hope that it would help keep my eyelashes. However, after one shower, I came out and I looked in the mirror. I was bald and pasty with dark rings under my eyes. I reminded me of someone famous, it took me about five seconds to realise that I looked like Uncle Fester! I miss being able to walk around without people looking at me wondering why I have a scarf on my head. I also miss not being in pain. Waking up every time I rolled over in bed because it would hurt, didn't make for restful sleep. I miss my social life. I really miss being able to make plans for the future. Not that I am all doom and gloom, but I feel like there is a big black cloud hanging over me at the moment. I can't just say 'yes' to invitations, I always have to check about when chemo or doctor's appointments are scheduled. I also miss being alone and my independence. I miss being able to go to work every day and make a contribution. I miss being able to enjoy food and not have a chronic metallic taste in my mouth. I really think the pharmacutical companies should make chemo mint flavoured, this metallic taste is horrid. I would even be happy with rum flavoured chemo when there is a rugby game on, just to give me that rumbo feeling! I miss being able to get in my car and drive up or down the coast on the weekend. I miss not feeling nauseous and dizzy. I miss feeling happy. This time a year ago, I was really happy- my life was going well. I miss having a few rums at the rugby and flirting with boys. Nobody wants to flirt with a female Kojack. I recall one Friday night when my parents were heading out to dinner. I was getting ready for bed (at the late hour of 7.30pm) and my mother kept coming into my room asking my opinion about shoes and accessories. I remember thinking how nice it was that they still went on dates after 42 years of marriage. After they left, I started crying. I missed getting dressed up and going on dates. I miss having energy and not feeling exhausted all the time. I miss being able to see my friends when I want to and not have to see who is blowing their nose or coughing. I really miss seeing my nieces and nephews when I want. Not wanting to get too graphic, but I miss going to the bathroom and not having it be a drama. I miss not having to discuss my bathroom activities with anyone! At the moment bathroom visits can last either twelve seconds or two hours. I remember after one particularly crippling bathroom visit, my dad gave me some topical cream to ease my discomfort. The list of side effects included - dizziness, fainting, nausea, headaches and anal leakage. I weighed up the side effects with how I was feeling and felt that the risk of all of those was better than how I was feeling. If I never have to discuss or experience manual evacuation again, I will be a very, very, very, very happy woman.

I know that this is all temporary and I will be able to return to my old life, but in the meantime, there are days where is sucks to be me. I am aware that things could always be much worse and I am fortunate that I am going to get the opportunity to get better and do all those things that I miss once again.