Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Things I miss....

When your life is thrown into chaos, there are many things that change. There are a few things I miss and will never take for granted again. Just litttle things - such as I miss having hair. I put all my hair products and appliances in a box and realised just how much stuff I had for my hair. Not that I am particularly high maintenance, but I still managed to have a lot of hair stuff. Going from having long hair to no hair in the space of a few weeks was quite a change. I miss having eyebrows and eyelashes. It is hard to give someone the evil one eyebrow raise when you have none. At the moment, I look like a pasty Whoopi Goldberg. I was wearing mascara in the hope that it would help keep my eyelashes. However, after one shower, I came out and I looked in the mirror. I was bald and pasty with dark rings under my eyes. I reminded me of someone famous, it took me about five seconds to realise that I looked like Uncle Fester! I miss being able to walk around without people looking at me wondering why I have a scarf on my head. I also miss not being in pain. Waking up every time I rolled over in bed because it would hurt, didn't make for restful sleep. I miss my social life. I really miss being able to make plans for the future. Not that I am all doom and gloom, but I feel like there is a big black cloud hanging over me at the moment. I can't just say 'yes' to invitations, I always have to check about when chemo or doctor's appointments are scheduled. I also miss being alone and my independence. I miss being able to go to work every day and make a contribution. I miss being able to enjoy food and not have a chronic metallic taste in my mouth. I really think the pharmacutical companies should make chemo mint flavoured, this metallic taste is horrid. I would even be happy with rum flavoured chemo when there is a rugby game on, just to give me that rumbo feeling! I miss being able to get in my car and drive up or down the coast on the weekend. I miss not feeling nauseous and dizzy. I miss feeling happy. This time a year ago, I was really happy- my life was going well. I miss having a few rums at the rugby and flirting with boys. Nobody wants to flirt with a female Kojack. I recall one Friday night when my parents were heading out to dinner. I was getting ready for bed (at the late hour of 7.30pm) and my mother kept coming into my room asking my opinion about shoes and accessories. I remember thinking how nice it was that they still went on dates after 42 years of marriage. After they left, I started crying. I missed getting dressed up and going on dates. I miss having energy and not feeling exhausted all the time. I miss being able to see my friends when I want to and not have to see who is blowing their nose or coughing. I really miss seeing my nieces and nephews when I want. Not wanting to get too graphic, but I miss going to the bathroom and not having it be a drama. I miss not having to discuss my bathroom activities with anyone! At the moment bathroom visits can last either twelve seconds or two hours. I remember after one particularly crippling bathroom visit, my dad gave me some topical cream to ease my discomfort. The list of side effects included - dizziness, fainting, nausea, headaches and anal leakage. I weighed up the side effects with how I was feeling and felt that the risk of all of those was better than how I was feeling. If I never have to discuss or experience manual evacuation again, I will be a very, very, very, very happy woman.

I know that this is all temporary and I will be able to return to my old life, but in the meantime, there are days where is sucks to be me. I am aware that things could always be much worse and I am fortunate that I am going to get the opportunity to get better and do all those things that I miss once again.

1 comment:

  1. This one made me cry. They all make me misty, but this one actually brought on the tears. I wish it were different for you Pandy. This whole thing is just crap. Just know there's a little heart in Toowong beating just that little harder to send love your way. Doesn't fix it. Doesn't come close. But it's something. You affected people before you got sick (I guess that's why you have so many friends) and now through your blog you're able to keep doing that. So when you say you miss being able to contribute - honey, you still are, it's just in a different form. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Mine are certainly with you. xx, Kym