Monday, February 6, 2012

Two weeks down, one to go.

So another week of radiation is behind me and all in all I am feeling much better than I was after the first week. I am on a long list of drugs, all of which include other drugs to combat the side effects of the drugs - but at least the headaches, nausea and vomiting are under control. I am on a steroid, which has artificially increased my energy levels, but I still feel exhausted. I still get dizzy at times and my head is pretty cloudy all of the time. I notice that I struggle to think of the right words to say and sometimes forget what I am saying in the middle of a sentence. For those of you who know me well - it will come a a shock that finally I am a loss for words!

Today marked two weeks into the treatment and was also the day my hair has started to come out in clumps. I knew it was coming and I have gone through this before, but I still balled my eyes out in the shower when it started to happen. I hated being bald. I remember the first time it happened, it shocked me that this meant I was really sick. I don't want to be sick like that again and I certainly do not want to be seen as the sick person again. When you are bald, you can't hide that something is wrong and people look at you differently. I am still me, I just happen to have no hair and recently had a brain tumour.

I did spend most of the day feeling sad and sorry for myself. I really didn't want to be here again in my life and I was hoping against hope that my hair wouldn't abandon me this time. I know it was overly optimistic and went against every medical opinion, but I was hoping there was some slim chance I might be the medical miracle who got to keep her hair. Alas, this was not meant to be. Anyway, I think the universe was sending me a sign today to not get too caught up in the hair loss issue. I went to radiation and they were running about an hour behind, so had to sit in the waiting room for longer than usual. A lady and her daughter sat next to me and the mother started chatting with me. She was bald and had a large scar across the top of her head - so we bonded over our brain tumours. She was telling me that she found her brain tumour after falling over in the shower, which was a week to the day that her husband had died. Suddenly, I didn't feel quite so grim about losing my hair - this lady had lost her husband and was now fighting for her own life. It certainly puts things in perspective. So, hair today, gone tomorrow at least I haven't lost my husband and battling for my own life. Thanks universe for the slap in the face - I will be better tomorrow.

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