Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Radiation over red rover.

Yesterday was my last radiation treatment and instead of feeling happy it was all over, I have been cranky and short tempered. I am happy that the brain frying has come to an end and I am very, very happy that I never have to put that bloody mask on again, but I still feel cranky. This could be due to the steroids I am on, so I could blame roid rage (this roid rage could also explain my Tourette's when I watch My Kitchen Rules). I found out at treatment yesterday that I won't be able to drive for another three months. To say this was slightly upsetting is a massive understatement. I love my car, I miss my car and I love my independence. Today would have been 21 days until I could get in my car and go somewhere alone. As my mother frequently tells me the Queen doesn't drive herself. I know this may come as a shock to some people - but I am not the bloody Queen and I love driving!

When I got home from the hospital yesterday I was so upset. I felt like this was a big blow. I know it is not as bad as being told that the tumour was back or that I would have to have more treatment, but this has implications beyond getting from A to B. When I got home I flopped on my bed and cried. Within about a minute the divine Barney jumped on my bed, put his head on the pillow next to me and wrapped his front leg over my neck. There is just something about a Barney cuddle that makes things better. Even as I lie on my bed typing this, he is curled up next to me and I find comfort in him always being so close. Anyway, back on the topic of not being able to drive - words can not express my frustration! I hate having to rely on people to go anywhere and I really miss being able to go to places alone. It also raises the question of when I will be able to move back home to my lovely housemate. My parents place is closer to public transport, which will make it easier for me when I eventually head back to work, but staying here for another three months is........... Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and they are amazing, but I miss being able to do my own thing and having my own space. So the next time you just jump in the car and pop out somewhere - appreciate your ability to do that.

I also found out yesterday that my hair could take up to six months to start coming back. I am hoping that I have super human hair growth power and it won't take that long. However, it it does take six months to start coming back, at least I will be able to feel the wind in my hair when I drive with the top down in August! I am still lathering myself with the Moo Goo Scalp Cream and so far it seems to be holding up pretty well. I hope it doesn't turn nasty in the next week or so.

A few months ago I read an article in marie claire that annoyed me so much that I wrote a letter to the editor. Looking back on it now, I may have been a tad sensitive about this topic and given that it was 8 days after my surgery I may blame drugs for my rant. The article was about a successful, single 34 year old American woman who told the story about getting her eggs harvested. She made a comment that egg harvesting was usually for 'last resort cancer patients' which really bugged me. She also complained about the bloating, acne, mood swings and getting her period for the first time in 17 years and how this was hard to juggle with dating her new boyfriend. Something snapped in me and I typed off an angry email. In the March edition of Australian marie claire - you can read my rant!

This may seem strange, but I bought my mask home from the hospital. I am not sure why and what I am going to do with it. Maybe I will smash it, maybe I will let Barney destroy it or maybe I will keep it as a reminder. But, then again, do I want to be reminded of the nastiness of being put in a mask and clipped to a table while your brain is being fried? In complete contrast to this burst of sentimentality, I have started clearing out reminders of my breast cancer. I still have cards in my room and I haven't bought re-fills for my filofax since 2010. I am not sure why, but until now I couldn't look at that diary again, but I feel that it is time to move on. I will go and buy new re-fills as soon as mum can drive me to the shops!

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